i spent a lovely, mellow day with the kids yesterday. we have been taking it easy lately. just trying to enjoy time together. i always have so much anxiety about what we "should" be doing, that it can be easy to forget to enjoy what we are doing. sid drew a face on her pumpkin and then i carved it for her. i like the sweet happy face she made. she liked finding the seeds and roasting them in the oven. the kids took it upon themselves to pick flowers from the yard, and now we have these little lovelies to look at around the house. i love how they naturally bring things from the outside world in. we have these beautiful little collections of nature around the house. we have also started reading the secret garden together. a wonderful book, that is new to me as well. reading together is one of our most favorite activities. i'm trying to learn to let go a little, and learn to say yes more. to accept happiness as it comes, not how i want it to be.
thanks for all your kid thoughts yesterday. much love to you all.
i ran across this little online benefit that is going on to raise money to buy a special van for a special little boy and his mother.... wheels for henry. it looks like many etsians are participating. i wish i had some items in my shop, or i would have too. you can help out by buying something handmade. a great way to support a special cause and handmade as well! i hope you will check it out.
today is the birthday of my oldest son, reece. he should be eight years old. even though eight years ago i couldn't imagine the pain ever, ever going away... today i look back and i am surprised that i was right. i guess, in some small part of me i thought or hoped it would eventually fade away. it doesn't.
yes, you learn to live with it. you learn to feel all the other other emotions besides sadness again, but it does not go away. maybe on his 20th, or 40th, or 60th birthday i will say something different. today, though, i still get tears when i think of him. not just on his birthday, but any day i allow myself to think of him. i don't dwell anymore but there are little moments... seeing my kids run through the park with an older friend for instance, i'll suddenly realize with surprise that they could all be mine. that is the hardest thing i guess. knowing in my heart i have three... but everyone else only sees two. i am a mom to three, but although my house is filled to the brim with the noises, and toys, and clothes on the floor and just the sheer essence of two of them, very little is evident of the third one.
when a child dies before birth, he is so very real to you. he is still your child and always will be. his presence was so very strong and unique to me, but sadly to so few others. when he was gone, i was left with so little... a perfect shell i found in the water while pregnant with him and held onto for luck. the tiny footprints taken at birth. so very few mementos, they don't even fill up the little silk box they give you to hold them. i still treasure them to this day though. i take them out on his birthday and hold them in my hand to feel closer. they are so small... but they carry such weight in my heart. just as he did. just as he still does. though my house may be a little bit emptier, my heart is still full.
happy birthday reece thomas. i love you. always.
thanks so much for the wonderful support you always give me, dear friends, and for the forum to share these thoughts. i know you will think of me with kindness when you read this, and more importantly you will think of my son. that means more than anything. it is a precious gift. i am going to close this post to comments not because i don't want to hear from you, just because i know it is hard to find the words to write something... and your kind thoughts are enough.
we took a lovely trip to the mountains last weekend for my husband's birthday (courtesy of his very generous parents). We stayed in a lodge, and had a wonderful time. the leaves were really coming out... you could just watch them popping with color. we took some great hikes, one ending at a waterfall. we also discovered our three year old loves nature... but not hiking so much. i'm hoping she will outgrow this. we all love to hike. she has no problem walking around the city, but stick her near a nature path (or even just mention it) and suddenly her legs are too tired to take one step!
i also discovered i am rather obsessive about taking mushroom pictures. "help mommy find more mushrooms!" was a nice way to distract Sid, but it really was for me. i can't seem to stop! my husband found it a bit much. (i have a million different ones, and i will slowly add them to my flickr... mostly for my own enjoyment).
but it is a much more enjoyable hobby than "please don't kill yourself on that ladder!". this was actually in our room at the lodge... maybe better for older kids.
i hope you are enjoying your fall so far!
** more shop updates coming after i finish up a million custom orders. i'll let you know. i will stop taking special orders after next friday (the 23rd), so get them in now. i have decided the holidays are always just too hectic for me to take anymore. i have a lot of winter items planned though!!
here are some more little projects from the house. i made curtains last week out of a vintage linen table runner. after a shaky start (i've never made them before), i'm happy with how they came out. i hung some curtains in the front window finally, but i think i will add some embellishments to those before i take some photos. we put together sidney's bed... finally!! now we need to hang up the fairy net we bouught her and some pictures above it.
i have also discovered that signing up for a parent cooperative is really much more work than i anticipated. so i have been quite busy with her school. i have a basket full of work sitting here, and so many orders to fill. i'm feeling a little overwhelmed. if i owe you something, i apologize for my slowness. if you were hoping for more fall goodies (as i promised) i apologize to you as well. maybe i should move onto winter? now that is already october!