today is the birthday of my oldest son, reece. he should be eight years old. even though eight years ago i couldn't imagine the pain ever, ever going away... today i look back and i am surprised that i was right. i guess, in some small part of me i thought or hoped it would eventually fade away. it doesn't.
yes, you learn to live with it. you learn to feel all the other other emotions besides sadness again, but it does not go away. maybe on his 20th, or 40th, or 60th birthday i will say something different. today, though, i still get tears when i think of him. not just on his birthday, but any day i allow myself to think of him. i don't dwell anymore but there are little moments... seeing my kids run through the park with an older friend for instance, i'll suddenly realize with surprise that they could all be mine. that is the hardest thing i guess. knowing in my heart i have three... but everyone else only sees two. i am a mom to three, but although my house is filled to the brim with the noises, and toys, and clothes on the floor and just the sheer essence of two of them, very little is evident of the third one.
when a child dies before birth, he is so very real to you. he is still your child and always will be. his presence was so very strong and unique to me, but sadly to so few others. when he was gone, i was left with so little... a perfect shell i found in the water while pregnant with him and held onto for luck. the tiny footprints taken at birth. so very few mementos, they don't even fill up the little silk box they give you to hold them. i still treasure them to this day though. i take them out on his birthday and hold them in my hand to feel closer. they are so small... but they carry such weight in my heart. just as he did. just as he still does. though my house may be a little bit emptier, my heart is still full.
happy birthday reece thomas. i love you. always.
thanks so much for the wonderful support you always give me, dear friends, and for the forum to share these thoughts. i know you will think of me with kindness when you read this, and more importantly you will think of my son. that means more than anything. it is a precious gift. i am going to close this post to comments not because i don't want to hear from you, just because i know it is hard to find the words to write something... and your kind thoughts are enough.
xoxoxo, cary